When I'm hyper, I can be really really hyper. When I'm down, I'm as flat as a pancake.
I'm not PMS-ing, FYI. Just that the last few days, after the SPM has been a roller-coaster of emotions as I plan for the future. When I don't have to worry about studies I start to worry what, then my life is about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a studyholic, it's just that my life feels emptier for the moment and many other things have filled that space and are affecting my emotions.
I'm reading once again, and I've finished another Diana Wynne Jones book this morning. Anyone willing to lend me the entire Chrestomanci series? I love those books. I really miss reading, because before the SPM I forced myself not to read for fear I would forget my History facts. So now is the time to digest endless pages of fiction.
Old habits are being written over. For one, I haven't blogged properly in a loooong time, so now I have a little writer's block. It's just so weird when I'm not given the title of the essay that I'm so used to, but instead rely on my own creativity. The brain juices just aren't flowing as quickly as they used to.
I'm a little sad looking at the CF blog, at the lack of updates. Yes it's the school holidays but I feel that the blog should not be so quiet and dull. CF is not just a school extracurricular activity, we're out to win lives and that should mean 24/7, 365 days a year. I learnt that in my year as a president. I'm hoping to speak to so many of the CF committee members before they take on the mammoth task next year, but so far have not had the opportunity.
Someone said recently that maybe it's good that the CF falls, or reduces in numbers, because that would reduce the complacency that has grown throughout the years. Relying on legacy and the hard work put in by previous batches of CF-ers, that has put the CF where it is today. Could it be time to hit the refresh button?
Naturally, I totally opposed that thought. In our mission to win lives, we want to reach every one we can and well basically if we don't then it's a total failure. There's so much pressure from the outside and we are seemingly getting weaker throughout the years.
I will do what I can, but I wish some people would just wake up too and grasp the gravity of the situation.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Split
Man I seriously can't believe it right now.
High school. Is. Really. Over.
I'm having some trouble adjusting, knowing that I won't have to wear that uniform ever again. Unless I'm feeling really random and decide do dress up just for fun. Yeah, I'm keeping one set of my uniform for the memories.
I'm having trouble accepting the fact that I don't have to go to SS18 every morning to sit in some hot classroom and eat the same canteen food over and over again.
I'm having trouble knowing that it's finally US who are the ones leaving, not like every year where we have to get used to seeing yet another batch of students leave.
After the hectic SPM weeks where I wake up early and sleep late to study, my life just feels so empty, that I have in fact, started studying some of my dad's university books. (what's wrong with me...)
Aiming to really really excel in college so that means I have to change my lazy attitude and attempt to learn the Lick Hung-ish style of studying. No la, not to that extreme, but if I study the way I did this year, I'll be washing toilets, like what DS said.
Above all, I realise that I AM old. Last year as a Form Four student I laughed at all the Form Fives and called them uncles and aunties but now I am the uncle.
My last few posts have all been about SPM and Form 5, and I am hoping to move on soon. But there were so many awesome memories in high school that I'm not sure that I want to let go of it all so soon. Give me another month to grieve.
Oh, and I finished reading Twilight. I can't stand the story. Bella and Edward are total idiots.
My paragraphs are all unrelated to each other. Uh oh, sign of bad writing. Not feeling to well today, headache-ish and feeling out of sorts. Maybe that's why.
Really really miss Penang now. Wish that bus ride lasted forever.
High school. Is. Really. Over.
I'm having some trouble adjusting, knowing that I won't have to wear that uniform ever again. Unless I'm feeling really random and decide do dress up just for fun. Yeah, I'm keeping one set of my uniform for the memories.
I'm having trouble accepting the fact that I don't have to go to SS18 every morning to sit in some hot classroom and eat the same canteen food over and over again.
I'm having trouble knowing that it's finally US who are the ones leaving, not like every year where we have to get used to seeing yet another batch of students leave.
After the hectic SPM weeks where I wake up early and sleep late to study, my life just feels so empty, that I have in fact, started studying some of my dad's university books. (what's wrong with me...)
Aiming to really really excel in college so that means I have to change my lazy attitude and attempt to learn the Lick Hung-ish style of studying. No la, not to that extreme, but if I study the way I did this year, I'll be washing toilets, like what DS said.
Above all, I realise that I AM old. Last year as a Form Four student I laughed at all the Form Fives and called them uncles and aunties but now I am the uncle.
My last few posts have all been about SPM and Form 5, and I am hoping to move on soon. But there were so many awesome memories in high school that I'm not sure that I want to let go of it all so soon. Give me another month to grieve.
Oh, and I finished reading Twilight. I can't stand the story. Bella and Edward are total idiots.
My paragraphs are all unrelated to each other. Uh oh, sign of bad writing. Not feeling to well today, headache-ish and feeling out of sorts. Maybe that's why.
Really really miss Penang now. Wish that bus ride lasted forever.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
When Forever is really Forever
IT IS OVER!!! Ahahaha. Now I know what it's like to be well and truly done with a major exam. PMR doesn't count. Ah well, it's considered well and truly done cos' ain't much we can do about the results eh? All we can do is to collect it.
Sooo. High school is OFFICIALLY over. And I get the boot from Teens group in church. O.o Onwards to Campus! Somehow at this point in time, I don't really have any regrets for my high school life. Everything happened as it happened which led right up to this point. If I went back in time and changed something, would I be as contented as I am now?
The long and difficult nights of staying up late to study are over, at least until my A-Levels. The knowledge that I have to get up on Monday to sit through an assembly is HISTORY. That's right, HISTORY, along with all my science subjects, BM Komsas and whatnot. Ahahaha. It's over. The fear of spotchecks, the sweating in non-air-conditioned-in-fact-sometimes-there's-no-electricity classes are OVER. OVER I tell you.
I'm not going for prom. High School Musical played a big factor in that decision. People say ala.. go with friends la, but it feels so... empty. If I wanted to go out with friends I'd go bowling, not pay some big bucks for a dinner and dance.
There's someone in my heart and she's been there for a loooong time. There's no one else I can imagine spending a prom with, but I know, at least for now, it's not the right time. I still remember the promises I have made years ago to others, I still remember the use of the word 'forever' that turned out otherwise. I really meant it when I said it then, but how did things turn out this way? That forever wasn't forever. And when I say 'forever' now it may not mean forever.
I don't want to play around. I want the real forever that's meant for me. I don't want to try and discard love like some shopping item. I want it to be special. And that forever to mean like really, 'forever'. I don't know yet.
It's not just about the thrill when I tell her. Or the thrill if she feels the same way. There's so much more than that temporary 'thrill' you know? Don't want to break anyone's heart, or to have my heart broken. Waiting for what, whom and when God says it is permanent and forever, cos' until then I wait. With a longing heart.
Sooo. High school is OFFICIALLY over. And I get the boot from Teens group in church. O.o Onwards to Campus! Somehow at this point in time, I don't really have any regrets for my high school life. Everything happened as it happened which led right up to this point. If I went back in time and changed something, would I be as contented as I am now?
The long and difficult nights of staying up late to study are over, at least until my A-Levels. The knowledge that I have to get up on Monday to sit through an assembly is HISTORY. That's right, HISTORY, along with all my science subjects, BM Komsas and whatnot. Ahahaha. It's over. The fear of spotchecks, the sweating in non-air-conditioned-in-fact-sometimes-there's-no-electricity classes are OVER. OVER I tell you.
I'm not going for prom. High School Musical played a big factor in that decision. People say ala.. go with friends la, but it feels so... empty. If I wanted to go out with friends I'd go bowling, not pay some big bucks for a dinner and dance.
There's someone in my heart and she's been there for a loooong time. There's no one else I can imagine spending a prom with, but I know, at least for now, it's not the right time. I still remember the promises I have made years ago to others, I still remember the use of the word 'forever' that turned out otherwise. I really meant it when I said it then, but how did things turn out this way? That forever wasn't forever. And when I say 'forever' now it may not mean forever.
I don't want to play around. I want the real forever that's meant for me. I don't want to try and discard love like some shopping item. I want it to be special. And that forever to mean like really, 'forever'. I don't know yet.
It's not just about the thrill when I tell her. Or the thrill if she feels the same way. There's so much more than that temporary 'thrill' you know? Don't want to break anyone's heart, or to have my heart broken. Waiting for what, whom and when God says it is permanent and forever, cos' until then I wait. With a longing heart.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Life and Death
I've been getting some 'Good Luck For SPM' messages the past few days, and whilst I'd like to message back and thank the person for the kind thoughts, I have no idea who's number it is. My phone is stuffed with messages and calls from unknown people, and whilst that's not too bad, the problem are the prank calls and messages I've been receiving.
I'd pick up the phone, hear some giggling on the other side, and a *click*. End of call. Once, I was sure that giggling belonged to a guy. O.o
So anyway, graduation was yesterday, a Friday and I am sure it's meant to be an emotional time where we say our last farewells to our friends before starting on our SPM exams, but it was quite the opposite. The 'Graduation Ceremony' was like a normal assembly, but with chairs. Chairs that WE had to keep. It was basically to catch up with friends since we've been skipping school so much we hardly saw each other, instead of the farewells we were supposed to be saying.
Coming home after school, I went out to cycle in the drizzle. Super cool and nice when the wind whips you in the face. So as usual, cycling, I'll be thinking. This past week, one thing that I've found myself thinking about was death. I would have proclaimed myself indifferent to death, I was more scared of cockroaches than death, but with the release of the movie 2012, I realised that I am indeed still scared of death and what happens after that.
It sucks man, to know that your fear of death still exists. You're not sure of yourself anymore. Why do what you do if possibly, in the end, we all vanish into nothingness? If we meet the same ending, why bother how we get there? So I needed to rediscover, to know who I am once again.
So on that afternoon, just prayed and cycled around as usual. I told myself, there's nothing to fear about death. If you were to die tomorrow, so be it. Who cares? Whatever happens will happen. There's nothing you can do to try to resist it, you're just a mere mortal.
I do admit that the thought of immortality once fascinated me, but then I realised what a boring life that would be. I wouldn't want to outlive everyone, even my children and grandchildren. If it's time to go, it's time to go.
That's what I told myself, convinced myself while cycling. I fear no death. I don't care if my life is taken tomorrow, because if I continue having that fear, that fear can sometimes paralyze me and prevent me from action. I fear nothing. I fear nothing.
Then as came out from a junction, a car almost knocked me down. I breaked sharply and almost fell of my bike.
In that instant where your life flashes before your eyes, everything becomes clear. And God told me, that's the wrong idea. Love your life as much as you don't fear death. If you die tomorrow, wouldn't it affect the people around you? Wouldn't it mean that you might not be able to achieve something?
This life is a gift from God and to say that you don't care if it's taken by the Devil shows how little you treasure it. When we pray, a lot of the time we thank God for the stars, the sun, our families, our friends, but how often do we thank God for our lives? How many of us can say that we've lived this life to the max, not have any regrets and are ready to die at any moment?
Not me. I have things to do first. I have things to say, things to see. I'm not going without a fight. And somehow in that, my fear of death also vanished. I got back on my bike and cycled home, my mind a little bit cleared.
I'd pick up the phone, hear some giggling on the other side, and a *click*. End of call. Once, I was sure that giggling belonged to a guy. O.o
So anyway, graduation was yesterday, a Friday and I am sure it's meant to be an emotional time where we say our last farewells to our friends before starting on our SPM exams, but it was quite the opposite. The 'Graduation Ceremony' was like a normal assembly, but with chairs. Chairs that WE had to keep. It was basically to catch up with friends since we've been skipping school so much we hardly saw each other, instead of the farewells we were supposed to be saying.
Coming home after school, I went out to cycle in the drizzle. Super cool and nice when the wind whips you in the face. So as usual, cycling, I'll be thinking. This past week, one thing that I've found myself thinking about was death. I would have proclaimed myself indifferent to death, I was more scared of cockroaches than death, but with the release of the movie 2012, I realised that I am indeed still scared of death and what happens after that.
It sucks man, to know that your fear of death still exists. You're not sure of yourself anymore. Why do what you do if possibly, in the end, we all vanish into nothingness? If we meet the same ending, why bother how we get there? So I needed to rediscover, to know who I am once again.
So on that afternoon, just prayed and cycled around as usual. I told myself, there's nothing to fear about death. If you were to die tomorrow, so be it. Who cares? Whatever happens will happen. There's nothing you can do to try to resist it, you're just a mere mortal.
I do admit that the thought of immortality once fascinated me, but then I realised what a boring life that would be. I wouldn't want to outlive everyone, even my children and grandchildren. If it's time to go, it's time to go.
That's what I told myself, convinced myself while cycling. I fear no death. I don't care if my life is taken tomorrow, because if I continue having that fear, that fear can sometimes paralyze me and prevent me from action. I fear nothing. I fear nothing.
Then as came out from a junction, a car almost knocked me down. I breaked sharply and almost fell of my bike.
In that instant where your life flashes before your eyes, everything becomes clear. And God told me, that's the wrong idea. Love your life as much as you don't fear death. If you die tomorrow, wouldn't it affect the people around you? Wouldn't it mean that you might not be able to achieve something?
This life is a gift from God and to say that you don't care if it's taken by the Devil shows how little you treasure it. When we pray, a lot of the time we thank God for the stars, the sun, our families, our friends, but how often do we thank God for our lives? How many of us can say that we've lived this life to the max, not have any regrets and are ready to die at any moment?
Not me. I have things to do first. I have things to say, things to see. I'm not going without a fight. And somehow in that, my fear of death also vanished. I got back on my bike and cycled home, my mind a little bit cleared.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
7 Days To Go
It's exactly a week before the first few SPM papers, BM, English and History, and for once in my life, I can say that I'm confident for History! Thanks to the weeks of study I've put in. I've been trying some model papers and all and I can consistently score between 32 to 36 marks for the objective section, and those that I get wrong are all part of the Form 4 syllabus, so I just need to brush up on that.
Even for essay questions, somehow I find that I can remember the main points quite easily. Woo! So happy! For now, re-revising my Form 4 syllabus, a few more model papers and I'm ready for SPM History.
I'm happy with my accounts too, have already identified the chapters to brush up on, I'm a pro at documents already. I've attempted some Physics papers, and while I still cannot answer questions on Electricity, basically everything else is still intact. Awesome! Bio I'm starting from Form 4, learning with the animations in the CD and so far, so good. It's more interesting than I thought it was.
Haven't started going through Econs and Commerce, plan to start as soon as History revision is truly completed. Econs is basically going through the notes and exercises from tuition, but Commerce, ah. Plan to tackle it the same way as History. May I have enough time to cover the entire syllabus.
I feel like I've got the entire SPM covered. Now's the time to study and pray while waiting for the end of SPM.
Even for essay questions, somehow I find that I can remember the main points quite easily. Woo! So happy! For now, re-revising my Form 4 syllabus, a few more model papers and I'm ready for SPM History.
I'm happy with my accounts too, have already identified the chapters to brush up on, I'm a pro at documents already. I've attempted some Physics papers, and while I still cannot answer questions on Electricity, basically everything else is still intact. Awesome! Bio I'm starting from Form 4, learning with the animations in the CD and so far, so good. It's more interesting than I thought it was.
Haven't started going through Econs and Commerce, plan to start as soon as History revision is truly completed. Econs is basically going through the notes and exercises from tuition, but Commerce, ah. Plan to tackle it the same way as History. May I have enough time to cover the entire syllabus.
I feel like I've got the entire SPM covered. Now's the time to study and pray while waiting for the end of SPM.
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