Big Dreams

I haven't been able to sleep at night. I realise that if I do not get into Cambridge, I am not going overseas. Unless some kind university out there is willing to give me a scholarship. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing a degree here, but Economics in Malaysia? Taylor's doesn't offer it. Neither does Sunway or Monash. If I want to do it in those places, I'd probably have to do an Accounting or Commerce kind of thing instead. But noooo I can't do that. Seriously. I have my reasons for wanting to do Econs, and if it's not Econs, it's gonna be Actuarial Science.

But gaaah. I guess this decision might not be in my own hands. I am just so... envious at the people whose parents have all the money to sponsor their kids overseas, in the degree they want. I never really felt like a Cinderella until today. Man. We're poor. This cruel realisation that not everyone in the world has an equal opportunity, it depends where they're born, how they're born, to whom they're born to...

My friends can talk of all the fancy places they want to study in, New Zealand, Japan, Canada, US... And the worst thing is their parents can afford it and are supportive. I can't do that. Why oh why is this world so unfair.

I'm thinking of giving up an A-levels subject, and to take a gap year after I'm done with A-levels to work. If I don't get into Cambridge, I don't need to do all this any more. All this revision at home, reading on the subject... the future is set. Why bother?

I know it sounds terrible to say so, but I am just being realistic. Maybe I should just force myself into Accounting or something, to make a living. I can kiss goodbye to those big fancy dreams of mine. Which has nothing to do with living in a posh house with 10 maids, thank you. Wealth doesn't motivate me. But this time, the lack of it may be enough to crush my dreams.